Last week, I asked my social media community what the most overrated sexual experiences are and I got so many interesting comments that I felt compelled to collect and write up their responses for this column. I was not surprised to see that folks overwhelmingly said that 69 was the most overrated act.
Most people who said that complained of not being able to concentrate on either giving or receiving, and that doing them simultaneously canceled out the pleasure of both. That has typically been my experience as well, though I have had a few fun 69 experiences. Like all acts, context is key! Something that can feel very pleasurable or connective with one person, or in the context of one kind of relationship, can feel forced or unpleasurable in another. Partnered sex is dynamic and relational, and everything on the list should be read with that in mind.
That being said, seeing what acts people don’t like made me wonder what they do like, so I went back to socials and asked folks what sex acts they thought were most underrated. This list was even more fun to compile than the last! Here are the five most underrated sex acts, according to the people who follow me. I invite you to reach out to me and let me know what tops your list.
5. Tribbing
I saw tribbing come up many times and I’m embarrassed to admit that I had to look it up. I realized when I did, though, that I know exactly what tribbing is; it’s basically just scissoring! A.K.A. the act of rubbing two vulvas and clitorises (clitori?) together in a grinding motion. At least, according to most. Some on the internet will say that scissoring involves two vulvas while tribbing involves one vulva and any other body part, but we’re not here to get into semantics. For the purposes of this column, let’s lump them together since the point is: it all feels good!
Soberlite said they think the most underrated act is “grinding and tribbing.” Deja Branch agreed, adding, “tribbing and sideways.” Angela Faustina added more context to the conversation by saying, “I have a trans male partner, and I’m gonna say tribbing.” Angela is pointing out that tribbing isn’t only for lesbian-identified folks, that anyone with vulvas can enjoy it!
In my experience, scissoring or tribbing (as a position) can also be very enjoyable with a partner who has a penis. Same thing, but with the addition of penetration. Admittedly, this is the position my non-binary spouse and I engage in most commonly, so much so that when our couples therapist asked us to independently write down on pieces of paper what our ideal sex life would be, I wrote, “We would continue to scissor as often as we do.” I think our therapist found that response oddly specific; but what can I say — I like it! We keep tribbing and I’m a happy woman!
4. Dry humping
Part of tribbing is grinding, and interestingly, another thing that came up repeatedly was dry humping, which often takes the form of clothed grinding. Indeed, Mary Muse says, “Grinding!! With or without clothing.” Lisa Lou includes making out, saying, “Making out and dry humping.”
Perhaps as adults, especially if we’re in long-term relationships, we have forgotten the fun of long, full-bodied make-out sessions. Riley Marshall says, “I think a great ‘dry humping’ while making out and building anticipation before you even take your clothes off is extremely underrated.”
I think she’s right! We tend to do this more in new relationships than we do with people we’ve been having sex with for years. As pragmatic (and sometimes hot!) as a quickie can be, this is a good reminder to take the time to build anticipation before you even take your clothes off.
Mistrexx Babalon also likes grinding but adds handjobs. They say, “Handjobs and just grinding the fuck out of each other.” They are certainly not alone in this, I got an overwhelming number of responses about both handjobs and fingering.
Kate Slon says, “Handjobs. They have a reputation for being bad/boring but there’s a lot you can to do make them good/interesting.” Like the nostalgia of new love associated with dry humping, The 412 Gentleman says, “I know I’m in a very small minority here, but a good old-fashioned handjob is like a wonderful nostalgic trip back to high school.” He’s certainly not in the minority. Jason Kirin says he loves a “good ol Fashioned slow handjob.” He describes them as “totally underrated.”
And for folks with vaginas, Venus Doom reminds us to “bring back fingering.” In my world, it has never gone away, but I appreciate the sentiment! Lotus Lain promotes “a good finger bang,” and Arielle Ivy suggests that fingering “does everything PIV can do and more!”
What the love of both handjobs and fingering tells us is that the hands are a very erotic sex instrument. Aluana remarks, “Hands/fingers hold so much more power, strength, and flexibility when used correctly.” As a fan of being fingered, I agree! I would go so far as to say that I am often distracted by the look of someone’s hands, and catch myself fantasizing about what they can do with them. My partner has great hands. Imagine living with someone with such distractingly nice hands!
2. Mutual masturbation
While handjobs and fingering are well-adored, Kitty Karlyle points out that another fun activity is mutual masturbation, but “not the kind where you give each other handies — the kind where you watch each other.” Spork agrees, saying, “Mutual masturbation can be fire.”
I think that in sexual relationships, we often focus on what we can do to bring our partners pleasure, and vice versa, while forgetting that our sexuality is also our own, and that we can share that with our partners by showing them how we pleasure ourselves. Often, especially when I’m with someone new, I will ask or encourage that person to masturbate in front of me so that I can get a sense of what feels good to them. Doing so alongside them can be a very erotic and fun way to get to know each other.
That being said, BowsAreNeat reminds us that this is also a good strategy for established couples. “I firmly believe mutual masturbation is such a slept-on option,” they say. “There’s something so nice about two people watching each other get the other hot. Especially in long-term relationships."
1. Missionary with eye contact
Perhaps the most underrated sex act of all time is missionary. It is so often thought of as a bland act that unimaginative people engage in, when the reality of it, especially in the context of love, is perhaps the most intense thing you can do.
Of missionary, Big D Steve says, “It’s intimate and personal but people hate on it.” Additionally, “Chuck F Martini comments, “Missionary is considered boring but you can play with angles, depth, and eye contact.” I have to wonder if the fact that it is so very intimate is the reason that we are so quick to dismiss it as boring. After all, intimacy is scary. It is very hard to look someone right in the eye while your bodies are entangled without acknowledging each other on a deep emotional level.
Certainly, the beauty of sex is that there are many ways to engage in it. Its limits are only in our imagination. Our sex can be deep and meaningful, fun and flirty, or erotic and hot. Or it can be all of those things. Unfortunately, there are times when it is none of these things, and if that is happening in your sex life or in your relationships, perhaps it is time to start thinking about how to connect in ways that are more pleasurable and fun for you. I hope these suggestions help!
You can find Jessie on Twitter @sapiotextual & Instagram @curvaceous_sage. You can follow her new podcast on Twitter & Instagram @NotHustlingPod. You can also visit her website jessiesage.com.
