Have a "Trashy Drink" summer in Pittsburgh with these sweet, colorful cocktails

In a city of beer lovers and cocktail connoisseurs, consider the humble Trashy Drink. I use this phrase with as much affection as possible, as I’ve spent years pursuing the best drinks in this category and having a lot of fun doing it.

I’ll be the one to say it — most alcohol tastes bad. I feel as if I’ve spent most of my adult life being gaslit about this fact, and for me, reaching drinking age as the millennial-fueled craft beer boom hit was a nightmare. As far as liquor goes, the cheap stuff burns, the higher-end selections always leave me wanting, and as someone who still craves the occasional buzz, I’ve always preferred the most palatable drinks possible, which for me haven’t evolved much since my Smirnoff Vodka college days.

Much like the famous Supreme Court pronouncement, when it comes to a Trashy Drink, you know it when you see it. Trashy Drinks look like fun in a glass: we’re talking neon Lite Bright colors, whipped cream and candy toppings, and maybe even a plastic toy for a garnish. They’re often tropical and evoke the beach, or MTV Spring Break.

Before anyone (rightfully) criticizes my underdeveloped palate, know that for the sake of existing in polite society, I’ve learned to enjoy a light beer like a hefeweizen or an unoffensive pilsner, and even a fancy cocktail (of which there are many in Pittsburgh). But I offer this counter: as a hardworking adult, why wouldn’t you treat yourself to the kind of sugary dessert drink you dreamt of as a child? When did you give up the ghost and let the dream die?

For those who still want to drink with whimsy, wonder, and more than a few sweeteners, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite trashy drinks in Pittsburgh.

Hemingway’s Cafe
3911 Forbes Ave., Oakland. hemingwayspgh.com

As many lament the homogenization of Oakland and the loss of restaurants around the University of Pittsburgh campus, Hemingway’s deserves praise for remaining an institution and for keeping its rainbow of mixed drink pitchers front and center. Famously topping its pitchers and a bevy of other fluorescent drinks with gummy worms, candy necklaces, and other confections, Hem’s stays a Trashy Drink mecca.

It wasn’t always this way — opened in 1983 by a former Pittsburgh Pirates player, the bar was once a white tablecloth establishment. But as a Pitt alumna, I treasure Hem’s as a classic college bar serving cheap drinks with dangerously little alcohol flavor, happy hour specials, and “munchies” like grilled cheese, burgers, and sweet potato tots to soak up whatever decision you make.

Sandbar at Sandcastle
1000 Sandcastle Dr., Homestead. sandcastlewaterpark.com

An oasis behind a Costco, Sandcastle is generally underrated. Not only can you waterslide into a Dragon’s Den, but at Pittsburgh’s hometown waterpark (as it’s billed), you can do it tipsy off some of the finest frozen drinks. The frozen margarita, pina colada, and alcoholic slushy are all Trashy Drink staples in my book — especially consumed beach- or poolside. Not only does Sandcastle serve these drinks along its boardwalk, but you can grab them at Sandbar, located right by a pool and the park's cabanas. Does the park look straight out of the ‘70s and is it staffed largely by indifferent teenagers? That’s all part of the experience. All we need now is a swim-up bar.

Pins Mechanical Co.
407 Cinema Dr., South Side. pinsbar.com/locations/pittsburgh

College bars and waterparks are natural Trashy Drink hubs, but a newer venue, the adult arcade, has brought a wonderland of new libations with it. Pins Mechanical, the South Side “adult playground” opened in 2022, currently features “patio favorites” that include a cooler of Patio Punch and four flavors of boozy shaved ice cocktails.
I asked the bartender which shaved ice flavor was the best, to which he replied, “I’m not one of those people that likes sugary drinks, but it’s the red one.” (He was right.)

Pins’ year-round cocktail menu touts all manner of nostalgically-themed colorful drinks with candy skewers, including Hulk Hogan (blueberry vodka, lemonade, and a red-white-and-blue popsicle) and Game Over, a 25-ounce jar of “eight totally wicked liquors,” Sprite, lemonade, and Hawaiian punch — and you get to keep the glass. Cart one of those around while playing the ring toss and enter Trashy Drink heaven.

Shorty’s
244 W. Bridge St., Homestead and 353 N. Shore Dr., North Side. shortysx.com

Another “retro-tainment” entry, Shorty’s invites Pittsburghers to two locations for old-timey games, patio dining, and, most importantly, shots and craft cocktails with names like Pink Drink (made with wonderfully trashy watermelon Pucker liqueur,  lime, and agave).

I’d always had high hopes for Shorty’s Waterfront location, where guests are greeted at the entrance by a big inflatable duck. I knew we’d come to the right place when the bartender said, “Most of our shots and cocktails are sweet.”

Shorty’s has some show-stopping Trashy Drinks, headlined by the bright green Sour Gummy Worm. Served in a supersized goblet, the Long Island-style drink offers near-bottomless sips of batched alcohol with lemon, lime, agave, and orange, all topped with gummy worms. The floating Jelly Donut shot, laced with Chambord raspberry liqueur and Bailey’s, tastes like an adult version of its namesake.

If you need to get Trashy at brunch, the most alcohol-forward drink in the bunch was a bright blue Froot Loop shot, made with RumChata, Blue Curacao, and vanilla vodka, and garnished with a skewer of Front Loops cereal (Shorty's recommends reliving those childhood days of drinking cereal milk out of the bowl by dipping the skewer into the drink). Because slushies are a must for a trashy summer, my favorite was the Cherry Limeade, which conjured up frozen Minute Maid in the best way with cherry vodka, lime, lemonade, sours, demerara, and grenadine.

Red Lobster
4766 McKnight Rd., Ross Township. redlobster.com

This list is tragically light on the originator of the Trashy Drink, the chain restaurant, and I’d be remiss not to include one. Perhaps my all-time favorite Trashy Drink is Red Lobster’s Espresso Martini. This drink has gone by several names over the years, though it was most recently resurrected for Lobsterfest. Described in a press release as “Red Lobster's chocolatey take on a modern classic,” the drink includes RumChata, Disaronno amaretto, and espresso, and comes garnished with a brownie bite chunk and possibly a strawberry.

The key element here is that it’s a drink that’s unapologetically brimming with chocolate — earlier iterations slathered on chocolate syrup — and you can drink it before dinner. Red Lobster might not be with us for much longer, so enjoy their full lineup of certified Trashy Drink martinis (they even rolled watermelon out for summer).