Sexual pleasure takes many different forms, and most of us are more content in our sex lives when we have space to explore all of the things we are interested in; it is through this exploration that we find out what works for us and our partner(s), and what doesn’t.
The fact that we are more sexually satisfied when our sex life is varied, though, does not mean that all forms of sex are satisfying, or even worth trying. The quantity of sex acts doesn’t necessarily translate to the quality of the experience.
As an escort, I can say that it is often my clients who keep a list of acts they want to perform who often have the hardest time enjoying the experience — they turn something that is supposed to be about pleasure and connection into a prosaic to-do list.
To save everybody some time, I have come up with a list of my own — with the help of my Twitter friends — of the five most overrated sexual experiences. We have tried these so that you don’t have to. While the pleasure and value of any particular sex act is subjective and depends on many things (most importantly the emotional dynamic and the physical alignment between you and the person you’re doing these things with), these are the ones that were most consistently mentioned as no-gos. I have them ordered from least to most hated.
5. Sex after a large romantic meal
Within the context of romantic relationships, it is common for dates to begin with an elaborate dinner and end with sex. There is a problem with this formula, though, and that’s that our bodies function better when we order these events in the opposite way. After all, there is nothing particularly sexy about being full and bloated or having heartburn. When I asked Twitter what the most overrated sex acts were, writer and former sex worker Margo Steines responded, “Eating dinner first lol,” and Juliette echoed this sentiment by saying, “I say the big romantic dinner comes AFTER sex, or eat like a bird.”
Though I have an iron stomach and can do this without much trouble (honestly, nothing makes me more horny than a tender filet and a bottle of red), I understand why this answer came up so frequently. Indeed, I remember sex columnist Dan Savage recirculating the phrase “fuck first” every Valentine’s Day to help folks stave off the disappointment of bad sex after dropping a wad of cash at an overpriced restaurant. Indeed, going back as far as 2012, he tweeted, “Valentine’s Day: remember, kids, FUCK FIRST. Fuck, then dinner. Later reservations are easier to get, and you’ll be hungry!”
Reverse cowgirl, a position where one person lays flat while the other sits on top of them facing away, is also something people had issues with. Aria Auclair commented, “I have a tilted uterus and it just does NOT work.” She brings up an important point here that applies to many sexual positions: the anatomy of both you and your partner matters a lot when having sex.
But even if the uterine slant isn’t a problem, there are other reasons to dislike this position. JayJayy comments, “I don’t like looking at knees.” As someone who is also bored by this position, her comment was entirely relatable. When on top in reverse cowgirl, the only thing you can see is your partner from the knees down, which — unless you’re a foot fetishist — may be the least sexy part of their body.
The person on the bottom has a better view, they get to look at their partner’s ass and back, but Eva Bora points out that there are better ways of achieving this. “Reverse cowgirl. Like I get it, you like my ass and want me to do the work. Let me back it up on you then instead though because this ain’t happening.”
3. Sex in the water
While I admit to having some very sexy encounters in hot tubs, pushed up against shower walls, and once in a lake somewhere in Maryland, these experiences have been few and far between. For the most part, water breaks down the natural lubricant that makes sex comfortable and pleasurable, and causes my makeup to run down my face. And this doesn’t even take into account the logistics of balancing, breathing, and fucking while being pounded with water.
Jessi Juniper points out that shower sex is bad, “especially if you’re short.” As a short person, I can back this up. King Bex qualifies this by saying that “walk-ins can work but otherwise someone’s getting waterboarded which is cool if that’s the play but…”
Carol Fenton says no to “anything in water.” Meanwhile, Starla269 says, “Water sex — tub or hot tub — nope doesn’t work for me.” She goes on, “Sexy for foreplay but not anything further.” Some things that can be sexy, but when it comes to sex itself, it is best to do them on dry land.
2. Sex on the beach
The first video that I remember being turned on by was Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” where he and his love interest passionately kiss and caress against a palm tree while the wind blows their hair and sand sticks to their faces. I was 11 when it came out and being raised in San Diego. I couldn’t imagine anything more romantic than falling in love and enacting a similar seductive dance on the beach. As I write this, I can smell the sea air and feel the sand between my toes.
The reality of sex on the beach, though, is never this romantic. The Naked Truth Podcast comments, “Sex on the beach, sand is everywhere.” And by everwhere, that includes places that you do not want it! Pittsburgh Femme reiterates this when she says that the most overrated sex is on the “beach without a blanket.”
Spices of Lust brings up other considerations that make sex on the beach less erotic in real life than it is in music videos: “Sex in the sea… not sure about. Positioning, old couple kayaking next to the beach, dude scanning for gold on the beach…” The beach, in other words, is a public place, and beyond the obvious consent issues that arise when attempting public sex, it can also be distracting as all get out.
1. 69
By far the most disliked sex act (in my unscientific study) is 69. Christina Sapphire says that the problem with 69 is that it’s hard to focus on both giving and receiving at the same time. She says, “I want to focus on either what I’m doing or what’s being done to me. Trying to do both just means I’m not going to do a good job at either.”
Emma C can’t even imagine that anyone enjoys 69. She says, “I will never believe anyone actually enjoys it either. Why do all of this when I can just operate my magic comfortably….?” Those who take great pride in their ability to please their partner orally are distracted by trying to receive simultaneously.
And then there are the practical considerations. Liara Roux says, “69 [is the most overrated position] when ur heights are extremely different…” Michael Bentley agrees. “For whatever reason every girl that wants to 69 with me is like 5’2”. I am 6’7”, I don’t know how you think it is going to work but it usually ends in disappointment and a backache.”
Selena doesn’t think that you need to have a massive height differential in for 69 to be bad: “The angles are just off, it’s uncomfortable, the pleasure is not there, I’m worried about the dick/teeth connection… a mess.” Patience echoes this coordination issue and says, “Not disappointed or surprised that 69 is so unpopular. Bobbing up and down while sliding back and forth so all body parts can reach? No one wins. It’s the sexual equivalent of simultaneously patting your head and rubbing your belly. Awkward and all for show.”
I certainly don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum here. If your mind has been blown by the pleasure you experienced in 69, or if you and your partner’s favorite place to fuck is in the shower, I am very happy for you! This just hasn’t been my experience, nor the experience of many of the people who responded to my initial Twitter inquiry. That is not to say I haven’t tried, though!
In my work, I have often used 69 effectively when my clients are too in their heads to relax into receiving. For folks like this, the distraction of having to give at the same time often breaks up their thought patterns enough for them to experience pleasure and orgasm. And, just last week, I spent two and a half hours on an outdoor patio sharing a delicious meal and a bottle of wine with a client, and this was followed by a very sensual bath for two and great sex. We broke at least two of these rules, and had a great time doing so.
Sex is subjective and about so many things, not just mechanics. We do things for pleasure, to please our partner(s), to experience our bodies in certain ways, to connect, etc. But generally speaking, these five are not what they’re cracked up to be.
For a list of the five most underrated acts, look out for my column next week where I explore the flip side of this coin.
You can find Jessie on Twitter @sapiotextual & Instagram @curvaceous_sage. You can follow her new podcast on Twitter & Instagram @NotHustlingPod. You can also visit her website jessiesage.com.
