For many folks who do not have conventional employment, myself included, holidays such as Labor Day offer little refuge from work. As a self employed person, no one would stop me from taking the day off to do whatever people do on Labor Day, but doing so would mean that I’d return to work behind on deadlines and short on money.
Interestingly, celebrations like Labor Day — meant to recognize workers and the strides they made to improve labor conditions through collective bargaining — do nothing to improve the lives of those most marginalized in our economy: service industry workers, independent contractors, and those operating outside the formal economy.
As a sex worker, this was glaringly apparant as I scrolled through Twitter/X, the platform that still has the greatest concentration of sex workers, to see so many of my fellow workers reminding clients to tip them to show appreciation for their labor.
Believe me when I tell you that this form of digital panhandling is just as annoying to the people who are doing it as it is to those who see it. Sex workers only engage in it becuase we have no labor protections, no safety net, and no one who will make sure we can make ends meet when our clients are busy with family obligations and neighborhood barbecues.
Certainly, it is not the job of any one individual client to make the working conditions of sex workers better, but I do think that while we take the day to recognize the efforts and labor of some workers, we should do so for all, including sex workers.
Sex work, after all, is work. It is the work of feeding your erotic imaginations, holding you when you’re lonely, and keeping your innermost secrets. You should want to keep the people who perform this labor fed and happy so that they can continue to do so.
Again, while individual clients and fans can’t single-handedly undo the centuries of whorephobia that contribute to our labor conditions, nor the nature of contingent labor in late stage capitalism, I have a few tips on how to make sex workers’ lives better, so that we can continue to do the same in turn.
Often, people approach sex workers in the way they do folks they would reach out to on Tinder. I cannot tell you how many messages I get on my work accounts that just say “hey.” While I understand that there are few guides on how to navigate these kids of relationships, I will remind you that sex workers are providing services in the same way that any other professional does. Rather than approaching sex workers like they are hookups, approach them like you would an accountant, dentist, or consultant. By that I mean, provide basic information. Who you are, what sort of service you are looking for (a private cam show, a custom video, a sexting session, a two hour in-person liason), when you would like to do this, and (if applicable) where you are. As a traveling escort, I often have potential clients ask me if I’m available with no other information. I don’t even know what city they are in so I have no idea if I’m available to them. It is very frustrating and time consuming to pull this information out of a potential client, piece by piece. Provide it up front and you will have a better experience.
Don’t be very explicit
Though we want basic information about who you are, where you’re located, and what you’re looking for, do not use an initial contact as a way of offloading every fantasy you’ve ever had. Reading paragraphics of what amounts to erotic fan fic is off-putting. More importantly, under criminalization, it can be dangerous for both client and provider. There will be time and space to share your wants and needs, but you need to first establish yourself as a client.
Do follow the procedures and rules of the person you’ve hired
Sex workers, both digital and in-person, provide intimate services to people they do not know (at least initially). There are obviously risks in doing this, so sex workers put in place procedures and protocols that are meant to ensure some degree to safety. Before working with you, a sex worker may ask you for certain screening information. This isn’t for the purposes of sextortion or blackmail, it’s to establish that you are willing to follow rules and that you care about their safety. Not all sex workers have the same protocols, so make sure you pay attention to and provide what the person you want to work with asks for.
Don’t behave erratically
While having a drink or two may be appropriate in the context of a longer date, don’t be visibly intoxicated. Moreover, don’t behave in other ways that make you seem unstable. Don’t text bomb before or after sessions, outside of the time that you’ve paid for. Show up when you say you are going to show up, and leave when your time is over (unless there has been a mutual agreement about extending time). In other words, respect the boundaries of the date and be on good behavior.
Do be open to the experience
Sex workers of all kinds will indulge you in your fantasies and desires if they are within the purview of services they provide. Find someone whose offerings line up with what you want, and don’t push providers who don’t offer what you want to change their offerings. With a little work, you’ll find someone perfect for you. When you do, allow yourself to bask in the experience. It is normal to be a little nervous, but don’t let that overshadow the potential for joy. Anyone sex worker is good at their job will work to make you as comfortable and at ease as possible, and will join you in the pleasure of the moment.
Don’t try to change the nature of the relationship
It is natural to develop feelings for the people you are intimate with. As humans, we are wired to do just this. It’s certainly OK to experience them, sex workers are accustomed to it, and sometimes also have strong feelings of affection, and even desire, for some clients. However, don’t fall into the mindset that these feelings mean that you should change the nature of the relationship. Having a consistent client who treats you well is great. Having one you also enjoy the company of is even better. Sex workers weave fantasies and tap into deep emotions. Recognize that this is part of the service and enjoy it, and be grateful for what it is. Turning it into a “real life” relationship will strip it of some of that magic.
You can find Jessie on her website or her socials: X: @sapiotextual & Instagram: @curvaceous_sage.
