In poly relationships, compersion is key. But is it possible?

Scrolling through online message boards about polyamory — though they are ostensibly meant to offer insight and support — leaves me with the distinct impression that I am, at best, bad at doing poly, and at worst, incapable of it.

Now, while I think I’m capable of being in a relationship with a polyamorous person (I should hope so since I’m already in one!), I’ve considered the possibility that I’m not very poly myself. As a sex worker, I’m not — by most definitions — sexually monogamous (while some sex workers will say that sex with clients is just work, I maintain that it is both work and sex). But the romantic and emotional connections of polyamory have been more difficult.

All this is to say: while I have no interest in controlling my partner’s behavior, exercising veto power over their partners, or policing what they do with their body (with the exception of safety concerns), I’ve also really struggled with what some people consider to be one of the cornerstones of polyamory: compersion.

Compersion, in its simplest form, is the feeling of joy or happiness in your partner’s happiness; specifically, the happiness they find in their sexual or romantic intimacy with another partner. It’s basically the opposite of jealousy. For me, especially at the beginning of my partner’s most recent relationship (which has also been the most significant one since we’ve been together), I could reluctantly accept their deepening bond, but being stoked about it seemed nearly impossible.

Within the context of poly relationships, compersion is complex. I want my partner to be happy — I love them. I want them to experience the excitement, joy, and pleasure that sexual and romantic intimacy fosters; I just want to be the one who gives it to them.

This feeling was even stronger at the beginning of the relationship when my partner was in the midst of new relationship energy (NRE) — the “dizzying energy of a new relationship.” I knew I wasn’t capable of generating the same sort of excitement 10 years into a deep and complex relationship with history. Still, I also remember being the subject of their NRE, the center of their world. I longed to feel that again and resented them sharing it with someone else.

But then a funny thing happened. My partner and their girlfriend planned a date to the local sex club — an activity my partner loves but that I don’t enjoy. While my partner is an exhibitionist, I’m an introvert who loves deep, intimate, and private one-on-one encounters. The fastest way to ruin perfectly good sex, in my opinion, is to look up and realize that folks are watching. I’m not shy or self-conscious, I just want my pleasure to be my own and my partner(s)’— I don’t want to share it with an audience.

Several times over the last 10 years, I tried very hard to get excited about these outings because I wanted my partner to be happy, but it was always a compromise, something I did for them. Recently, when they came to talk to me about going with their girlfriend, I realized that I was experiencing a foreign emotion: compersion. I wasn’t simply relieved that I didn’t feel pressure to go (though I was relieved); I was genuinely excited that my partner got to do something that makes them happy with someone excited to experience it with them!

The epiphany I had at that moment was that their girlfriend could offer them something that I couldn’t, and importantly that this is something to celebrate, not fear. That it took me more than a year of their dating to recognize the obvious is perhaps a topic for another day. What I can say today is that, up until that moment, I imagined their relationship to look like ours, or like ours in the first year (a limit of imagination on my part). I imagined she was getting something I wanted: romantic time with my life partner without the interruption of kids and the demands of life. And in truth, she was getting a little of that.

Even so, one simple, but vital fact remained: she’s not me. These are not identical relationships, and that’s the whole point. It took a shift from thinking about what my metamour gets to recognizing what she gives for me to get my first hit of compersion.